Fuckery: Sexyy Red - Ah Thousand Jugs ("1000 Miles Hood Remix")

Idk what this is, but it slaps. Just watch. Here's the first verse below, and all the lyrics on Genius.

Makin' my way through the hood
With your boo, all his homeboys think I'm cute
Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo
Ridin' 'round 75
totin' his iron Better not nah-not try nothin'
Boom-boom-boom boom-boom-boom-boom
You gettin' feeled too
Boom-boom-boom boom-boom-boom-boom
I coulda killed you
Boom-boom-boom boom-boom-boom-boom
You lost a tennis shoe
Boom-boom-boom boom-boom-boom-boom
We shootin' out the room
Boom-boom-boom boom-boom-boom-boom
And now you on the news

David Blaine Magic Trick Surprise on Jimmy Fallon

I don't want to spoil it, so I won't properly title the post or set up the video like I normally would. I will say this: watch the full clip for the payoff. It's more than a card trick. And once you watch the above clip, click here to watch another with Drake, Dave Chappelle and Steph Curry.

#TBT - Ohio University Mascot Fight

September 9, 2010. Ohio University Bobcats @ Ohio State Buckeyes. Nothing inspires college pride like watching your school mascot (Ohio) beat up the unsuspecting mascot of the larger state school (Ohio State) that everyone confuses you for. When I'm outside of Ohio, the convo goes like this:

Me: I went to Ohio University
Them: Oh, I've heard of Ohio State. I have a friend who went there
Me: That's not the school I went to, but okay

If the mascot fight makes you laugh, here's another angle:

Fuckery: Drunk White Woman Not Killed When Leading Ohio Police in Car Chase

The video embed works, even if it looks like it doesn't.

The above video happened in my hometown. An intoxicated white woman, the daughter of a prominent local lawyer, takes police on a low-speed chase throughout Columbus, Ohio. She rams a few police cars, drives through private property, and generally commits a handful of acts unarmed black men have been killed over. Not once do the police engage with their firearms. My black male friends and I always joke that if this were us, we'd be dead.

Watch and be amazed.

Patti LaBelle's 1996 "This Christmas" Performance

Patti LaBelle, the great Patti LaBelle, sang at the ceremony for the 1996 Christmas tree lighting. She performed "This Christmas" and it is a sight to behold. Why? Because it's one of those performances that go so badly that, after a few years to laugh off the embarrassment, it becomes something immortal and incredible. And that's what happens here. She didn't have any backup singers during the performance, so she keeps yelling into the mic "where are my background singers!?" She doesn't know the words, so she tells the crowd she doesn't know the words and starts ad libbing. It's incredible. I mean, ad libbing a song, complaining AND singing fantastically, all at the same time? After watching this, it's 100% true that she could sing the phone book and have everybody jamming.

"The Mummy" Trailer with Just Tom Cruise Screaming

So back when Universal Studios thought this Mummy reboot would be the start of it's own cinematic universe (it's purported $95M loss throws those plans into question), they accidently released a trailer with the music and sound effects missing from the first half of the trailer. It was quickly taken down, but you know the internet — if it's posted, it lasts forever. Why is this notable? Because it's a lot of Tom Cruise yelling and it sounds like a bad overdub, but in an amazing South Park kind-of-way. I reco watching the entire clip to really get into it, but you can also just skip to the 40 second mark.

Fuckery: Insane Clown Posse - Miracles [Music Video]

Someone told me to watch this video. I did. I'm glad I did, but a week later, I'm still very unsure of what I witnessed. I've heard of Insane Clown Posse before. You've heard of Insane Clown Posse before. We understand them the music to be white Odd Future 15 years before Odd Future. But this song? "Miracles"? Maaaaannnnnn, it's what happens when you smoke too much weed and watch Planet Earth at the Gathering of the Juggalos. A sample:

Water, fire, air and dirt / Fucking magnets, how do they work? / And I don't wanna talk to a scientist / Y'all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed

Watching this video worth the four minutes, if for no other reason than to simply be astounded by the many WTF moments.

Fuckery: Bug-A-Salt Commercial

There, apparently, is an airsoft type weapon that kills flies hovering around your food. This contraption uses salt to kill said flies by shooting said salt at a rapid rate at said flies.

What in the actual fuck? Okay, I kill the flies, but then I have salt and dead fly pieces all over my food? See more info on the brand website.

Honest Trailer: Catwoman

Honest Trailers is a YouTube series that parodies blockbuster and/or terrible movies. They did 50 Shades Darker a few weeks ago (to wonderful results) and now they've tackled Catwoman. It's hard to believe how terrible this movies is.

Throwback: That Time Fear Factor Made People Drink Donkey Semen

Fear Factor used to be the show. For a chance to win $50K, people did all sorts of shit they wouldn't normally be willing to do. Case in point: there was an episode in 2012 called "Hee! Haw! Hee! Haw!" that included a stunt where each team had to chug donkey semen and urine. NBC got skittish about the episode and never aired it. It took over 2 years before clips eventually found their way to YouTube.

Take a look and try not to throw up.

Honest Trailers: 50 Shades Darker

If you're familiar with Screen Junkie's Honest Trailers series, then you'll love this one. If you're not, a quick set up: Screen Junkies review a movie in the most brutal way possible, poking fun at everything good and (mostly) bad about a movie.

Considering how bad 50 Shades Darker is, the crew has a whoooooollllleeee lot to make fun of. And they do not disappoint. Shouts to Entertainment Weekly on the heads up.

Fuckery: ESPN Personality Stephen A. Smith Picks Wrong NBA Finals Champ 6 Years Straight

I'm just gonna leave this here.

Fuckery: 9% of People Would Vote for Deez Nuts. Seriously!

EDIT: IDGAF if it was a scam. It was on tv so you know it's real

I. I fucking can't right now. Just watch the clip

Who are the 9 percent?! pic.twitter.com/72bqqJ3wZ5

— Michael Smith (@michaelsmith) August 20, 2015

Hell Welcomes All Who Laughs At This

Two Babies, Two Fathers: Paternal Twins Maury Announcement That'll Blow Your Mind

This is wild. This is like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs. This is what everyone watches The Maury Show for. Like, this is why you venture out to Connecticut to see a taping of The Maury Show. This is like Christmas. This is like celebrating after getting a promotion. This is on fleek, this is on point, this is on everything I love. My life would've been made had this occurred during the taping I attended. Like, I can't even right now. My god, this is too lit. The actual phenomenon is called Superfecundation. Shouts to TMZ.

Throwback: Remember That Time Mike 'The Situation’ Sorrentino Made His Own Dance Song?

I thought about finding the worst picture of The Sitch that I could, but thought better of it because that would be cyberbullying. Back in 2010, when Jersey Shore was near its cultural apex, Mike 'The Situation’ Sorrentino made a song called "The Situation" ft. Fatman Scoop, Disco Fries & DJ Class (remember when DJ class was on the radio? Remember “I’m The Ish” w/ Kanye?). This track, which wouldn’t be terrible if it didn’t have anything have anything to do with The Situation, is about being in the club and running in “situations”. Sigh. The track even ends in the most Jersey Shore TV show way possible with Mike yelling, “I mean, you can hate all you want, but what can you possibly say to somebody that’s ripped up like motherfuckin’ RAMBO?” 

I had to listen to this song before doing this write up and it was the first time I had done so since I got a new computer three years ago. There’s still ringing in my ears. 

Fuckery: Divine Rags Commercial

Divine Rags is a real place in Tennessee. This is a real commercial for said place. Enjoy?

Fuckery: "Perfect Polly Pet" Infomercial - The Fake Plastic Thingy You Treat Like a Real Pet

One of my friends posted this on Facebook, and I wanted to de-friend them for posting something into my newsfeed that was sooo goddamn annoying. Perfect Pet Polly, AS SEEN ON TV, is a motion sensored fake parrot that will whistle and "sing" when it detects someone wants to be annoyed is in the room. But it's apparently so lifelike that grandma, or mom, won't know it's not a real fucking bird, or that live animals aren't made of felt and plastic. Sigh.

Really, though, that parrot would be smashed on sight if someone brought that, IN A BIRD CAGE, into my house. And it would be smashed slightly less on sight if I saw that in someone else's house.

Fuckery: Bud Light (Accidently) Supports Rape Culture

The bottle says "The perfect beer for removing "no" from your vocabulary for the night. #UpForWhatever"

Bud Light is in the midst of a campaign called "Up For Whatever" (hashtag #UpForWhatever). They're trying to position it as the beer for people who are up for whatever and wherever the night takes them. It could take you to a party in anytown USA or a giant game of pac man. Or, as the bottle above says, it could mean "removing 'no' from your vocabulary for the night."

Now, we all know that in a vacuum they're basically saying, "have you seen the movie Yes Man? Great, you should do that." That's in a world devoid of context, which, obviously, we don't live in. And what's the context surrounding removing "no" from someone's vocabulary while drinking a fuckton of alcohol? Rape. 

Yeah, Bud Light is out here "accidently" supporting rape culture. I'm going to choose to believe this is nothing more than a tragic, tragic tone-deaf accident by the account, creative and brand team, but either way, how fucking unaware did everyone involved in this have to be to let this pass through? No one raised a hand to say, "this sounds waaaayyyyy too rape-y to mass produce to the entire nation"? 

No? No one? Well, the entire internet did. And now it's a trending topic on Twitter.  Bud Light has issued a statement apologizing.

Fuckery: Woman Passes Out in Car...In the Middle of the Highway

A news cameraman was filming as he tried to awaken an allegedly intoxicated driver who passed out in her locked car on a...
Posted by KTLA 5 News on Saturday, March 28, 2015

Presented without comment.